My Calm in my Storm (5/23/18)

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid (John 14:27 ESV). 

First, let me say "Thank you!" for the many of who read this and connect with me as a result. I love you for it.

I have received feedback lately that my posts sound angry and giving suspicions that I'm harboring bitter grudges in my heart. Let me say this, clearly, I am not angry nor do I have bitterness in my heart. 

Early in 2017, I was in a much different place, not angry, just sad. I was full on anxiety, full of depressed thoughts, I felt lonely and disconnected. Knowing full well that, at some point, I would have to shake it off and forge ahead somehow. Anxiety and Depression never stopped knocking, and I made a commitment then to, one, not answer that door, and two, lean into my discomfort by doing the exact opposite of what depression was telling to do: Connect with others and work on myself through cultivating my mind, body, and spirit. 

The only way I figured to lean into my discomfort, big time, was to share it via social media. However, my intentions have never been scored by anyone's reactions to it, it really has been about me just sharing what my life is like. Instead of holding my breath, I made a commitment to breathe it out. 

I have leaned into my discomfort by being as transparent as is appropriate. It's raw and real, unfiltered, at times. It's emotional. I'm hopeful and I'm downtrodden. There's my ex-wife, there was my dad, it's about my kids, it's about me. it's everywhere, but one thing is certain- it's 100% current, real-time, live-streaming. It's not like I'm sitting with stuff for months and then I reflect on it and decide, "you know? I have some stuff I want people to know." As I write this, this is exactly how I feel right now. I have never written a rough draft. I'm not even going through to edit much. The words are coming as I am writing. This is, like I said, 100% LIVE. 

Overall, it's important for me for anyone reading this, I'm not ridden with anger. I'm not bitter. I am not at all full of rage, and part of the reason this is so is that I practice cultivating my breath, cultivating my emotions, grounding my mind and listening to the spirit within me.  I keep showing up and, although everything changes, two things never change. 

My coffee is always warm and his spirit is with me. 

Once I breathe, it's out of me, it's gone; out. So breathe out the bad, and try to hold in and cultivate more of what is right and noble and true and pure and lovely and beautiful. Letting go of what weighs down, entangles and ensnares. My heart is light. I mean there's not many people I can sit down with and communicate all this with. This platform is clean, without bias, without judgment, it's not about you- it's about me. This about me practicing vulnerability. Believe me, this is isn't easy, but I made a commitment and I'm sticking to it. 

I never thought I'd be here, but here I am. I'm exactly where I am supposed to be, not at all the dreams I had, and although my life isn't that impressive on paper and I'm not winning any "40 under 40" awards anytime soon, my heart is full and I'm doing all that I can. I have nothing to feel ashamed about. And, some have wanted more "Jesus" in my posts and less "Fuck all this Shit" comments, and so you worry: "Has Mike lost his way?" "Is he denouncing Jesus?" "Is Mike Buddist?" Why does Mike keep saying things like "Spiritual" and not "Jesus?" 

I'm not responding to these inquiries, because I have to take the sweet and the sour in this practice of vulnerability. Take it or leave it. And, if you worry, just call and ask. 

However, I'm not mad. I'm just trying to chase my kids and try to do the best thing I can. I'm not at all "out to get Liz." I'm happy for her. If anything, I still want to help Liz if and when I can. She's the mother of my kids, bottom line. 

Peace be with you, too.

mb.

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