The Deepest Pain
Losing your kids. I have been really sad this week. I'm kind of always sad actually, to be honest with you. It's like a constant current of sorrow flowing underneath the surface all the time. There's no point to which it stops flowing. There are only moments when you get distracted from the feeling of it. But the sensation of that roaring invisible river will return. It always returns, it's always there….it's always there. Everything changed. It all just fucking changed and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be. My kids don't live here. Everything I've done, all the choices I've made, the goals I have set have been all around them. I stayed here for them. I ended losing everything for them. I have been making choices, all of them, around creating a picture that the court will deem worthy enough so that I can just be considered good enough to have them live with me…provided they even want to. But I have NEVER wanted to take them back l