The Deepest Pain

Losing your kids. 

I have been really sad this week. I'm kind of always sad actually, to be honest with you. It's like a constant current of sorrow flowing underneath the surface all the time. There's no point to which it stops flowing. There are only moments when you get distracted from the feeling of it. But the sensation of that roaring invisible river will return. It always returns, it's always there….it's always there. 

Everything changed. It all just fucking changed and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be. My kids don't live here. Everything I've done, all the choices I've made, the goals I have set have been all around them. I stayed here for them. I ended losing everything for them. I have been making choices, all of them, around creating a picture that the court will deem worthy enough so that I can just be considered good enough to have them live with me…provided they even want to. But I have NEVER wanted to take them back like that. For me, it has all been about providing for them enough so that they feel like they could have a home with me, if and whenever they want it. It's enough for me. That's plenty, and honestly, all I want to do. 

This past Sunday was Father's Day. I went to Charlottesville for the day (It's 3.5 hours away, one way) to be with them. I spent more time on the road than I did there with them. It completely wiped me out the next day, but it was absolutely 100% worth it. I would do it again and again and again, and I have. I continue to do it, whatever it is, to be with them. Whatever it is, because I love my kids. I love my kids and I hate the thought of not spending time with them. I hate it. I hate missing them. I hate that I can't be there. I just want to be there. Divorce sucks. Not because of I'm regretting the choice of getting divorced, no, not at all. It's what divorce does to people. People make choices to hurt the other person, because they feel hurt so they, in turn, hurt the other person doubly. 

This trip felt different. And lately, so have their visits to my home in Raleigh. It feels like they're visiting, rather than, feeling like they're coming home. I don't feel proud to have them home, like I used to, rather, I feel like an inconvenience to their rapid-paced teen lives. So I went to visit them. 

They are moving on, and, I know, they should be. I'm happy for them for that reason, honestly and truly. It's the change that gets me. Do you understand what I getting at? It's not what they are doing that hurts me, it's about the change and it's about that all my efforts. All the bullshit I have taken, all the shitty jobs with even shittier supervisors and bosses, all the shitty situations I have had to endure and maneuver around, all the shitty court appearances and attacks from legal teams, ALL THE SHIT I have put up with has been fueled by LOVE. Love for my kids. A love that knows no end, no cost is too high, no effort too much, nothing can get in its way. It's a love that one can only know when you love someone more than yourself. Years of hurt and years of endurance, years of suffering and heartache, years of hardship and poverty and extreme loss. Years of making the most out of it. Years of making lemonade when you have no lemons. I have held on for years. I have held on for years. I have held on for years…and now it's time to let go. And it hurts. It hurts. It really hurts. I hurt. It's really hard for me, but I'm mourning. I'm in a time of mourning. I'm just so sad right now.

It's a lot to take it in and it all came to me on Sunday, Father's Day. It took me a little while to figure out. At first, I was just sad, I didn't really understand fully why, but I have sat with it, listened to it, and am trying to put a language around it. 

Can you understand the pain of persistence?The pain of endurance? The pain of hope? The pain of a heavy heart? The pain of pride? The pain of humility? Can you understand the pain of love? Can you understand then what it feels like then, when it all just changes? I didn't see until I saw it. But I now I see it and I am having a moment right now, adjusting. it's difficult but I'll be okay, I think. I'm just trying to figure out what it means to adjust, What do I want to do? What can I do? What should I do? I have more questions than answers right now.

I'm just trying to stay positive. That's all I got right now. 


An old photo. Back in my apt on Lake Lynn. (2017? 2018?)


Chicago Trip. May 2021


Chicago 2021

Comments

Unknown said…
Mike…your investment in your kids will not be in vain. You are entering that season that we all face (divorce or not) when their busy lives and more self-focused attitudes (all normal) leave us behind. Because of your love they trust that you will always be there…and thus they feel safe to move on more independently. Sure doesn’t feel good, and I grieve that too. But your love has helped shape them into awesome young adults. I get it. You are right to name your feelings. I wish I could say that your two will work their way back to you the way it was when they were younger….but they probably won’t. And we settle for less than what was, but that is also our job as parents. Your love is never wasted…and you will be rewarded with many moments of heart connections in the days/years to come. Just know that you are not alone in this grief…and you have loved them well!
June 24, 2021 at 2:09 PM
Unknown said…
The above comment was from Jackie Splinter ❤️❤️
June 24, 2021 at 2:12 PM
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