The Space Between
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| Chicago Trip, May 2021 |
I don't know what to do, don't know what to say.
It has been so fucking hard.
Back in February I made a post about this girl I met, fell in love with and moved in with.
This girl has been my best friend. We like everything. like, all of the same things. It's incredible. We have so much fun together and she's so cool. She's funny, a little bougie, she's talented. You know what I mean? She's my girl. I think she's great and I'm very attracted to her.
But more than all of this, I've never felt more connected to a person in my life. I literally felt my spirit intertwine with hers. It may sound odd, but it feels very real. I have been 100% faithful, honest and committed. She's my chick, my ride or die, the star of the show, my boo, my boo thang, my dance partner, my dinner date, my cuddle bug, my shawty. I love her so much.
She is amazing…when she is sober.
I've heard stories about the struggles of people who live with and have relationships with people of addiction. It sounds really hard, almost, impossibly hard. And, turns out, that is very true. It's really hard. Like, very hard. Like, very very hard. Like, so hard. Like, you don't even know how hard. Like, it's so hard. It's not easy. Not easy at all. Like, it's hard and not easy. Know what I'm sayin'?
Life has been a lot of chaos. Like a lot of chaos. Like, so much chaos. Unnecessary chaos. There are many tales to tell from this year alone, but this isn't about shaming or blaming or defaming anyone. That's not my style. Y'all know me, still same ol' G. That's not my gig. This is about a story of love. It's about being real.
This life is filled with hurt people. Hurt people just hurting other people. It continues, it passes on, it spreads like a virus, people pay it forward. We live in a "Fuck You Society" Values of this (so-called) FYS are: You hurt me, I'll hurt you back! Protect yourself. Don't trust anyone. Don't let anyone in, because vulnerability is weakness. I don't have time for your bullshit. No relationships, just hookups. Do you. Catch flights, not feels, lol. It's everywhere you look. Do you get a feel for the type of society I'm talking about?
What about compassion? What about grace? What about forgiveness? What about love? What about hope? What about second chances? third chances? fifth, sixth, eighteen chances? When do you stop? When does that end? Does it end? No, it doesn't end. There is always love, there is always healing for the broken. There is always hope.
Everything isn't black n' white. There is a lot of "gray" to this life. There is a lot of "space in between." Do you know what I'm talking about, like, the space between where you want to be and the place where you actually are? The space between the place where you once were and the place you want to go? I'm in that kind of space…the space between. Maybe you can call it a "transition space" or something along those lines, but it's where I am. It's uncomfortable. It's unsettling. It drives me crazy, because I have no control of it. It's my problem, yet it's also not my problem. I don't know what tomorrow brings. I made a commitment, but now my heart is broken. I want to heal and I want to stop the bleeding, put a stop to the chaos, put a stop to the shifting sands and be rooted, stable.
At the same time, my conflict is: I still love this girl. I made a home with her. She's awesome. I don't want to uproot and start again. I want to see my kids and have a home for them. I don't want anger and substance abuse to ruin another home and cause more pain in this life filled with so much already. Do you work on making it better or start over? Which is more? It's definitely not where I wanted to be, but it's where I am. But, also, no one is better suited to navigate such rough waters as I am. I'm not going to be jaded and tarnished. I will remain whole and intact. I will find peace and keep hold of my faith and never lose hope and love in my heart. So, with that, she couldn't have found a better person to go through all her struggles with. You gotta believe that God places people in your life, in your path, for a reason. And, if you can't sense of it all at once, then trust the journey. This life is hard and it's not easy to do it alone. The FYS would tell you otherwise, but I know this, all that glitters isn't gold. We need others. Sometimes we need people to deal with our shit. I'm thankful for the people that have dealt with mine and have not repaid me as "my sins" deserved, and I know too that others are thankful for me dealing with theirs, as well.
I'm in a place, the space between.
Think of the Dung Beetle. Dung beetles roll their poop around. Some eat their own poop and some live in it, as their home. Matter of fact, males roll that shit around all day looking to attract a partner, someone that finds their shit cool. Like, that chick likes their shit, and thinks, "Yeah, that's my shit too. Let's live together."
Vanessa is my dung beetle. A hard-shelled creature with lots of shit. LOL.
There is, as there always is, so much more to the story, but this is my synopsis.
May we all find comfort in the space between.
Amen.
Peace n' love.
MB
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