2017, The Year that Was(n't)

2017, easily the worst year on record. Or was it?

As in traditional end-of-the-year reflections, let's recap shall we?  (Commentary is at the bottom)

This time last year, my wife and I were at our wits end with each other living in the same house. We toughed out the holidays together, so as not to ruin the holidays for our entire family.I moved out of the house at the beginning of the year and began to live entirely on my own for the first time in my life. I always had roommates, never an entire situation all by myself. Had the worst conversation with my kids, having had to break the news to them that their mom and I breaking up. That say the least. Worked as a server after an 18 year hiatus at The Angus Barn. Met some incredible people there (also some bad ones. Such is the way of the service industry). Battled through anxiety, loneliness and overwhelming stress. Battled through ongoing legal bullshit with my former business.Worked long nights, had early mornings. 12 hou…

Exhale the BullShit, Inhale the Good Shit.

How is it, that the human heart can produce so much love and energy when it knows so much hurt and betrayal?

How does it go?

"Inhale the good shit, Exhale the bullshit."
It makes a lot of sense; bring in the good, let go of the bad. But, this morning as I reflected on another crazy ass exchange with my estranged Dad, it dawned on me that I was breathing in bullshit, I had to exhale something more positive. 
"Inhale the bullshit, yet Exhale some better shit."
This thought was brought you from my most recent exchange with my Dad. 

Michael, I don't understand what I said or did to get you mad at me this time. I realize you're a busy guy with a life of your own, but I have been making attempts to talk with you with no success. I'll just leave you to do your thing, and you can try contacting me when you're able to find the time. No, I'm not mad nor upset at you either, I have just been trying to get up with you to no prevail on my part. Love Dad. MON 2:50…

"What do you want to do?"

Lately people have been asking me, "So, what are you looking for?"

People have read my posts and have known that I'm working in a position that I don't currently love, nor does it utilize my gifts and education. Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for what I'm doing and I'm meeting wonderful people, but it's not where I want to stay. I'm grateful to pay my bills (...most of them, lol 😕), but I need something more reliable and steady. I have people to support now and for many more years to come.

"What do I want to do?" I've been asking myself, because people keep asking me. 

"What am I good at?" So many questions I ask myself. 

I am good at a ton of shit. I'm debating writing all the things I know I'm good at and competent in here, but, at the same time, I feel, in doing so, I fighting for approval here. I have plenty of experience doing lots of things. I have always accomplished most or all of my goals, but I don&#…

Who Am I?

I am,
I am strong,
I am courageous.

I am a father,
I am a dad,
I am a son,
I am a man.

I am determined,
I am driven,
I am a self-starter.

I am fearless,
I am fearful,
I am a survivor,
I am a failure,
But I never quit,

I am hopeful,
I am committed,
I am scattered,
But I am centered.

I am a mess,
I am greater than the sum of my parts.

I am alive,
I feel everything,
I am here.

I am a success,
I have achieved many goals in my life.
I have made many mistakes too.

I am thick-headed,
I am self-conscious,
I am self-aware, too self-aware,
I am grounded,
I have grand visions and dreams.

I am full of energy,
So much energy,
I am full of passion,
So much passion,
I am full of breath,
So much breath,
I am full of life,
So much of life,
I am full of hope,
So much hope.

I have experienced pain,
So much pain,
I have been hurt,
So much hurt,
I have been betrayed,
Lied to,
Taken advantage of,
Had my heart broke,
Made to feel lesser than.
People take and they take and they t…

My you know him?

Life can be a bitch, but you just have to keep keepin' on; shake it off and move along.

Adversity. It happens to all of us, every single person. Yours is different from mine and vice versa. No one person has it worse, per se, and someone else's struggle doesn't minimize another's. Although there is some shit I have never, nor do I ever hope, to experience I can say I can relate to having to move through tough experiences. That's something we can all relate to.

Some shit happened in my life recently that really stirred me up inside about all of this. Allow me to explain and share one dimension of my life with father.

My father is a unique man. I don't think I have met anyone quite like him, although I know some of you will know someone close to you exactly like him. How shall I start? In no particular order, allow me to spew some random factoids out there:

The Ugly

Parent's divorced when I was 8 yrs. old.He made it really hard on me and made me feel l…

My Life 37

Today I am 37. Nothing special. Nothing big and certainly not a milestone, but for some reason I have been doing a lot of reflection about this birthday year.

I am 37.

I never thought at 37 that I would be separated and on the brink of divorce.
I never thought I would be broke and living pay check to pay check.
I never thought I would be in a job that is suffocating the living bahjesus out of me.
I never thought I'd be single and living in an apartment by myself.
I never thought I'd ever go through depression and feel such despair in my life.
I never thought I'd feel so discontent with the church.
There are a few more big items that seem a little fictitious to me that I thought would never be.

I never thought I'd be where I currently find myself 37.

I thought I'd have stuff figured out.
I thought I'd have "grown up" money.
I thought I'd be "established."
I thought I'd be in the best and highest earning potential in my car…
April, 9, 2017

It's spring break, my family is gone and I am left behind.  They're in Florida at Disney World for their first time and I am in Raleigh...alone, like totally alone.  I wish I could there to experience what will be a life long memory for them (like all their first roller coasters). I'm glad that Liz keeps posting pictures, because I get to live vicariously through that and imagine their joy at the whole experience.

This is what separation feels like. They're having fun on spring break and I have to stay back and work at a job I do not want to be working. Welcome to my struggle of moving to a place without a job prospect and trying to start all over again. Such a romantic notion, but I didn't know it was going to be so tough, but it has been. I've made some great friends here (even more shallow social media relationships. People that just want to peep, but never ever wanting to engage in real life) and haven't regretted the move here. There's…