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A Candid Moment

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It's 11:21pm, Monday, Feb. 10th, the year two thousand and 20. 

There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not sad. At some point in the day, I'm overwhelmed, overcome by a wave of sadness, every s i n g l e day. It's a pain I have never known before, but that I have come to know very, very well. I know it too well. It accompanies me everywhere I go, in everything I do. It's rooted down deep, but also reaches the surface, just below the surface so that anything at any time can come across it and set it off, like a hidden landmine. There isn't a place where it resides, because it's with me everywhere, all the time. It comes in the oddest of places, there's no rhythm or rhyme. There's no "trigger" to set it off. It's can be sitting, waiting for a bus, sitting at church, enjoying a meal, walking through an art gallery, dancing in a club. It's anything and everything, simply because they're not here, they're there. It's a p…

Listening to my Discontent

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Oct. 25, 2019 (9:42am)
Starbucks @Cameron Village (Raleigh, NC)



I'm sitting here, like I usually do, with my coffee, with my pen and with my journal open. I'm on the very last page too. I'm settling in, as I like to say, which to me, is the most important thing. And, the thing about it is, it kinda plays out a little differently each time. Instead of rushing to my table or spot and quickly writing out the things and thoughts that are at the forefront of my mind, I take a moment to pause, take a moment to just sit, look around me, take a deep breath, and I mean like a breathe that I am intentional taking the time to feel. I inhale deeply, feeling my chest inflate slowly like a balloon swelling, feeling the air intake up and through my nostrils, listening to the audible sound of the air intake, and then the audible sound of the release, sensing all the sensations I can on the exhale, feeling my shoulders drop and tension melting, rolling away and down my back, as if that te…

My WHY

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April 2019
I have so much going on. So much going on that I never really have time to catch up, catch my breath, get ahead, stop to think about what is best. Hate it or love it (more of the former than the latter), I’m just doing.
I’m doing lots. I am a server and lead bartender at a nice high end, premier retirement community. I teach yoga everywhere, regularly at Lifetime Fitness in North Raleigh, but I counted, and in my first year of being a certified teacher, I have taught at 13 different venues. I’m trying events around essential oils, I have put on workshops. I have started a new, crazy effort with BeautyCounter (more on that to come). Some jobs longer than others, but I held it down, on the regular at a lot of places. At one point, while doing this, I held down two other jobs, with two different catering companies. I still never missed a beat to be there and spend time with my kids. It’s all for them. It’s all about them. Everything I do is for them.
And, with all these jobs, I’m…

All a Father Can Do

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On Sept. 9, 2018, I'll be in a courtroom for another, our second, temporary custody hearing (the first was back in April). 
My ex-wife, after the first hearing, which the Court ruled, very clearly, "neither party shall permanently remove the minor children from the State of North Carolina, Wake County, for anything other than vacations/trips or temporary travel pending further order of the Court or written consent from the other parent. (This means the minor children shall not be relocated to the State of Virginia or anywhere outside of Wake County, North Carolina without further order of this Court or the written consent of the parties" (May, 14, 2018), decided there was still no need to change her plans to move away with the kids. Sold the house (kept all the money), got married, moved into a summer short-lease rental, and here's the catch, that summer rental's lease ends on Saturday, Sept. 15th. 
Let me take a quick moment to pause. I need to reiterate and em…

My Calm in my Storm (5/23/18)

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First, let me say "Thank you!" for the many of who read this and connect with me as a result. I love you for it.

I have received feedback lately that my posts sound angry and giving suspicions that I'm harboring bitter grudges in my heart. Let me say this, clearly, I am not angry nor do I have bitterness in my heart. 

Early in 2017, I was in a much different place, not angry, just sad. I was full on anxiety, full of depressed thoughts, I felt lonely and disconnected. Knowing full well that, at some point, I would have to shake it off and forge ahead somehow. Anxiety and Depression never stopped knocking, and I made a commitment then to, one, not answer that door, and two, lean into my discomfort by doing the exact opposite of what depression was telling to do: Connect with others and work on myself through cultivating my mind, body, and spirit. 

The only way I figured to lean into my discomfort, big time, was to share it via social media. However, my intentions have never b…

How Did It Get This Bad?

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It was just my birthday (May 1st), and I'm here, once again, wanting to share some reflections. But first, quick bullet points of the major things (for those sort of interested in me but not much more than a paragraph) of what has happened in between today and a year ago:


Liz and I were officially divorced at the beginning of the year, 1/25/18Our separation agreement was finalized in Nov. 2017I did work at the Angus Barn, but had to had to give that up, because it wasn't a good job for my life situation.I went after my yoga teacher certification through LifePowerYoga. I was super nervous about posting a GoFundMe, but I was convinced to give it a-go and BOOM, y'all help me raise what I needed to raise in the first 24 hours. Not a penny more was raised after that. It was amazing, it was the exact minimum amount I needed to raise to pay for my certification. Thank you, everyone, for your support!I got hired by Lifetime Fitness and I love it. I teach a lot of yoga lately.The ki…

An Open Letter to my Father.

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Let me begin by saying this letter isn't intended to hurt, to shame or to criticise. This letter isn't even about me venting buried pressure from years of frustration. Plainly said, this letter isn't rooted in any kind of grudge or bitterness. It is with an open, honest an vulnerable heart that I share the following.
I thought very hard about this format, and although I know it'll cause pain and I'll catch negative feedback, in my heart this is the best way forward.

Dad,

We started talking after 15 years of silence. It started back up, last year (2017), in the fall and it was a little awkward at first, but we had to start somewhere. I had to ask, at some point, "So, like, where have you been?" It's the type of question, I feel, that perhaps, one of my kids would ask me, if I was absent from there lives for so long. It's a very common sense question to ask. You never liked that question and have always felt very attacked by it. You got angry at me, hu…