Posts

Who Am I?

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I am,
I am strong,
I am courageous.

I am a father,
I am a dad,
I am a son,
I am a man.

I am determined,
I am driven,
I am a self-starter.

I am fearless,
I am fearful,
I am a survivor,
I am a failure,
But I never quit,
Never.

I am hopeful,
I am committed,
I am scattered,
But I am centered.

I am a mess,
I am greater than the sum of my parts.

I am alive,
I feel everything,
I am here.

I am a success,
I have achieved many goals in my life.
I have made many mistakes too.

I am thick-headed,
I am self-conscious,
I am self-aware, too self-aware,
I am grounded,
I have grand visions and dreams.

I am full of energy,
So much energy,
I am full of passion,
So much passion,
I am full of breath,
So much breath,
I am full of life,
So much of life,
I am full of hope,
So much hope.

I have experienced pain,
So much pain,
I have been hurt,
So much hurt,
I have been betrayed,
Backstabbed,
Lied to,
Taken advantage of,
Robbed,
Had my heart broke,
Made to feel lesser than.
People take and they take and they t…

My father...do you know him?

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Life can be a bitch, but you just have to keep keepin' on; shake it off and move along.

Adversity. It happens to all of us, every single person. Yours is different from mine and vice versa. No one person has it worse, per se, and someone else's struggle doesn't minimize another's. Although there is some shit I have never, nor do I ever hope, to experience I can say I can relate to having to move through tough experiences. That's something we can all relate to.

Some shit happened in my life recently that really stirred me up inside about all of this. Allow me to explain and share one dimension of my life with you...my father.

My father is a unique man. I don't think I have met anyone quite like him, although I know some of you will know someone close to you exactly like him. How shall I start? In no particular order, allow me to spew some random factoids out there:

The Ugly

Parent's divorced when I was 8 yrs. old.He made it really hard on me and made me feel l…

My Life Today...at 37

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Today I am 37. Nothing special. Nothing big and certainly not a milestone, but for some reason I have been doing a lot of reflection about this birthday year.

I am 37.

I never thought at 37 that I would be separated and on the brink of divorce.
I never thought I would be broke and living pay check to pay check.
I never thought I would be in a job that is suffocating the living bahjesus out of me.
I never thought I'd be single and living in an apartment by myself.
I never thought I'd ever go through depression and feel such despair in my life.
I never thought I'd feel so discontent with the church.
There are a few more big items that seem a little fictitious to me that I thought would never be.

I never thought I'd be where I currently find myself today...at 37.

I thought I'd have stuff figured out.
I thought I'd have "grown up" money.
I thought I'd be "established."
I thought I'd be in the best and highest earning potential in my car…
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April, 9, 2017

It's spring break, my family is gone and I am left behind.  They're in Florida at Disney World for their first time and I am in Raleigh...alone, like totally alone.  I wish I could there to experience what will be a life long memory for them (like all their first roller coasters). I'm glad that Liz keeps posting pictures, because I get to live vicariously through that and imagine their joy at the whole experience.

This is what separation feels like. They're having fun on spring break and I have to stay back and work at a job I do not want to be working. Welcome to my struggle of moving to a place without a job prospect and trying to start all over again. Such a romantic notion, but I didn't know it was going to be so tough, but it has been. I've made some great friends here (even more shallow social media relationships. People that just want to peep, but never ever wanting to engage in real life) and haven't regretted the move here. There's…

Another Page had Turned, A New Chapter has Begun.

Just wanted to give me friends and family an update. Felt like a blog post was more appropriate than a long Facebook status post. 

After 13 1/2 years of marriage Liz and I have decided to separate. Truth is, we separated for about a month or two earlier in 2016 to different rooms in the house and started separating our accounts even then. After long discussions and some change of heart we decided we didn't want to pursue that route and "moved back in" with each other right as the summer approached. We started seeing another counselor, our third, and put some serious effort back into our relationship, and we really meant to make it all work and thought we had both let issues, that we were both holding onto, go. We were doing fine, until we weren't. As some of you already know, none of this stuff just happens overnight. We went back into "separation mode" back in November and have been in separate rooms since. 

Very recently I moved out and currently live in a …

Find Sanctuary: Mending your soul.

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Whether it's a chapel space, a coffee shop or a yoga mat- find your sanctuary. Tired, fighting a cold, Head a little heavy, It has been a long week, Chores need to be done, Finances are low, Need more sleep, But things need to get done. I am here.  Distracted, Sitting, Breathing, Sipping, Thinking, Worrying, Chest tightens, My vessels constrict, Why am I here?  My eyelids are heavy, I take a breathe. My lungs fill, My chest collapses.  I took a look around  and I settle in. I am here.  And here I rest. 
The coffee house chatter is loud, But I hear music. The choirs of angels singing. My shoulders relax. I can feel each and every breath. I am falling. Falling in a trance.  I come to you Father, again and again. You are my resting place, My sleep.

Cigars and Blogs: Best of the Bull Edition.

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2 Things:

1. New AshWednesdays Vid is up


2. Bull City Cigars got the "Best of the Bull" award for August given out by local blogger Katelyn Phillips.

Check out the feature here: Best of the Bull