My 30s Sorta Sucked.

At the end of my 30's, I have learned about myself,  more than ever before, how determined I am.

40 years old. I'm toasting, with all of you, the beginning of a new decade. Here's to all of us beginning a new season of life.

Ten years ago, I was 30. The year was 2010. I lived in Midland, MI. I was the Director of Community Outreach at St. John's Episcopal Church and, believe it or not, I was teaching Zumba on the side about 4-5 times/week. I had been married for almost 5 years. My son was close to turning 4, my daughter was 1 year old. Before the church gig, I was on staff with an organization called Young Life as an Area Director. I spent the entirety of my 20's working for Young Life.

Without being too long-winded, not that I have to be too overly concerned, because this is, after all, MY blog space to be or not to be as winded as I'd like to be. This space has always been for me. Although I am appreciative of people who take the time the time to read this and have the desire to stay involved with me, this space has been a place for me. I'm never concerned with reviews or anything like that. This space is for me to be me, to write what I want to write, a space to breathe a little bit. And, for any other writers out there who might know what I'm talking about when I say this, I'm always a tad curious about what will come out. There's always, for me, some difference about what I have in my head to write and the product which actually comes out. 

Looking back, my 30's...
(In no particular order)...there was my first house, being married, raising kids, being a coach to little league teams, lots of bedtime stories, arguments, the grind of work-marriage-kids, lots of yard work-lots. There was marriage counseling, there were small groups (other young-ish couples) with kids. Lots of trips to parks and areas with play areas. I would be remiss if I forgot about the long hours staying up with sleepless babies (mostly my son), or what about derailing plans when the kids got sick. Lot's of time spent in that arena

At 32, moved from Michigan to North Carolina. I left my career and community to support my family in a new adventure, to start a new chapter. Got a second home, kids started school (elementary for my son and preschool for my daughter). I did the stay-at-home dad thing while my (then) wife went back into the workforce as a teacher. Made breakfast and lunches every day before running the kids to school. Got involved in school things (i.e chaperoning field trips, volunteering in the classroom, stuff like that). I had a good run at a start-up (Oak City Cohort, here's the link to a thing I did one time). That didn't pan out, so I became an office manager for a local nonprofit. That didn't pan out (only lasted a year). Co-owned a small business in Durham, which was very cool, but that didn't end well either. Then my marriage, like the other things, didn't pan out well. The one cool thing I did do, one year, was curate an exhibit at Raleigh's Sparkcon Fest, which went really well, but I haven't done it since.

The last 5-ish years have been rather tumultuous. Maybe it's more like the last 4, but 5 just seems a bit crisper sounding for timeline sake.

I moved out and lived on my own for the first time once we got separated. I had to take on a job, which was actually a good job but wasn't a good fit for a single dad trying to support himself and still be involved in raising two kids. So that ended too.

Next came yoga. I became a yoga instructor. I had every intention to start a nonprofit organization with that, but, at the time, with the divorce and late nights working, became a bit more than I could chew. I still have those same intentions though.

Then came the custody battle came and teaching yoga wasn't paying for everything. I took on other work, jobs I didn't want, but I had to take because I needed to make $$$. None of the jobs I have had the past 3ish years have been resume builders, they have been about "keeping things afloat." Not was born out of desire, all of it out of distress. I was in 100% "Survival Mode." At one point, I was juggling 4 jobs, time with kids, court stuff and my own personal mental health.

In lost everything in my 30's, everything. I lost my savings, my 401k, I lost jobs, I lost a lot of personal belongings, I even lost custody of my kids...because I was too broke to support them.

But, not to sob for too long, I never lost myself. In fact, I found myself, more of me than I thought I would find. I never lost my dignity. I never lost hope or faith. I never lost my health or a reason to smile. I never lost determination. Yes, I lost more and more, and just when I thought nothing else worse could happen, it was then that I learned, yes, there was more to lose. I never lost love though. I never let anything get in the way of my time with my children.

The Goonsquad

If my life were a portrait now, like today, it might look like something with cracks, pieces missing. Maybe big chunks gone. Maybe it'd looked distressed or disheveled. Might look worn out or abused some. The portrait of my life most certainly would look less than desirable. It's not, but oddly, as it may sound, those are things. The portrait might look broken, but I'm not.

I am strong. I am determined. I am a good man.

My 30's, had some definite bright spots. I definitely have some great memories, but they kinda sucked overall. It hasn't been a flashy decade for me. I'm not at all where I thought I might be. There have been other F'd up tragedies that have befallen in my 30s, but I wouldn't have it any other way. As all great sportscasters might say, "It is what it is."

Here I am. I am here. I have shelter. I have food. I have toilet paper (only funny now because I might read this years from now and remember these are the days of the Coronavirus, the days of social distancing and quarantining, and for some reason, all the TP is hard to find). I have heat. I will wake up tomorrow.

Every day, through thick, through thin, with lots, with nothing, in seasons of feast, in seasons of famine, through all the hardships one thing has always remained the same-


My coffee is warm and
The LORD is with me. 

My morning ritual. 

Angels have surrounded me. Most of the angels (like 99% of them) have had real skin, with real names, that have blessed me with their generosities and hospitalities.  Angels near and far have helped me, encouraged me and have helped me be with the people that I love the very most- my son and my daughter. Some of the shit makes no sense, none at all, but I can only chalk it to say, "angels surround me." 

My 30's were a bitch (all except for that one part win the Cubs won the World Series LOL). I'm smiling now and I'm excited to get the F*** out that decade and into the next. I'm hopeful for my '40s. I've heard it said they're the new 30's anyhow. Oh wait.... hmmm. Maybe I should rethink my excitement??? Nah, fuck it. I'm out here. Let's do this thing.

I feel alive. I feel driven. I feel excited, I have love in my heart. I'm a little wiser, just a little. I'm edgier. I'm just as sarcastic, just as stubborn, just as much Mike as I have ever been, but certainly, a better Mike than I have ever been. 

My 30's were rough but I'm better for them. I have lived a lot of life from 30 to 39. I have so much more ahead of me than I do behind me and that excites me, like in a way the a rollercoaster excites and frights as it clinks up that incline before that initial big drop. It's kinda scary, kinda exhilarating, but you kinda know it's going to be a good ride. 

In my 30s, I have learned a lot and I have grown a lot. I am still here. Sometimes I don't know what for, but I know it's not for nothing, I do know that.  My son is about to turn 14, my daughter is 11 and man, so much has happened these last ten years. In ten more, my son should be out of college (at 24) and daughter will almost be out too (at 21). 

The storybooks of our lives are filled with many pages, many chapters, many plot twists, and turns. 
The pages turn, the chapters change, the story continues. 

-MB


Comments

Jackie Splinter said…
Wow, Mike....lots of the you we know and love in this post. Very insightful, very honest and vulnerable, very hopeful, with lots of light and potential yet ahead. I hope/know and pray that the best is yet to come for you....can’t wait to see it unfold in new and exciting ways. It’s your life and your journey, but you do not walk it alone, that’s for sure! We’re here to cheer you on, and so is God and your guardian angels. Keep the faith...in God, in others and in yourself! Love you

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