Rugged Where You Are.
No one has time for anyone else's shit. Nobody has time for that.
There are so many hurt people out here with us in the world. They are all around. Everywhere I look, every post I see- there's hurt. Anxieties, mental health issues, traumas, brokenness, chaos, destruction, self destruction, sadness, hurt hurt hurt! So much hurt. So much pain, and anger too. Toxicity, narcissism, manipulations, assaults, abuses of every kind.
So much fucking hurt.
And, everyone is carrying this hurt around with them. It's undealt with. So it sits there, it tucks itself far beneath the surface, far below the skin, past the muscle tissues, it goes past your protective rib cage, it burrows deep into the secret chambers of your heart-the source and machine of your very life. The pump-house to your entire body-your lungs, your veins, your legs, your hands, your eyes, your brain, your feet, every fiber and cell of your life is sourced from your heart. And that hurt is affecting all of it.
We swipe left, we swipe right-trying to find our next relationship. We feel lonely, we open an app. We want to hook up (no strings attached)...app. Casual date…app. The problem is that "swiping culture" means that we don't have to sit in our dilemmas and figure out our shit first. That takes time and AINT NO ONE GOT TIME FOR DAT. I want to solve my shit now! App that! I don't want to feel lonely. not one second longer. I don't want to wait around to running into that magical some one somewhere down the road, I want to find that person now! App that.
No one wants to wait, because waiting takes time and it's uncomfortable. So we just carry our shit into the next thing. Like a dung beetle we just roll our shit around, looking for someone to love us and all our shit.
The problem is: we all have shit. No one wants anyone else's shit, but we want someone to still love us and all of our shit. Make sense? Seems simple enough.
Enter my Vanessa (my lil dung dung).
When I first met Vanessa I had already come to the belief that people need more grace, and less judgements about the messes and complicated entanglements of their past relationships. If you're dating again in the thirties or later in life…it's just a matter of reality. You have your stuff, they will surely have theirs.
More grace, less lines in the sands, less criticism.
I never knew what The Lord had in store for me when it came to showing someone grace like I have had to do with Vanessa. I had no fucking idea. It has gotten crazy.
My relationship isn't perfect, matter of fact, her shit has caused a lot of issues, but I don't really care about judging her because I love her.
I have been kicked out of the house over and over again, I've been fired from my job, I've been so helpless at times, we have fought a lot and gone lengths I never want to go through again, but it's all okay because I love her. Her shit has nothing to do with me, but all of her past shit is from other relationships. That I get the pleasure of dealing with, and I do, because I love her.
Oddly, no one has disrespected me more than Vanessa. No one has created so much pain. No one can ruin shit like Vanessa can. It's like a super power she has. On the flip side of that same coin, is her ability to shine and make everything and everyone around her brighter and better. No one makes me more happy than her. No one is more fun to be with. She's my favorite date. She's my favorite dance partner. She's always wonderful to wake up next to. She's my coffee buddy, my companion at the cigar lounge. She's beautiful, hot and pretty. She's surprises me, all the time, with how smart and witty she can be. She's bougie, but also hard working. She's dope, doper than soap on a rope. She's my Vanessa and I love her like I have loved no one before. For my spiritual friends out there, I once felt my spirit, an inner and very visceral feeling, intertwine with hers.
It's weird, but it's true.
When we're good, nothing feel more pure. It's total connectivity.
I take all of that shit, because I know I didn't cause it. And I take it, because I believe people need more grace. I believe we need to be allowed more space to be ourselves and without fear of judgement from our partners and/or spouses. I believe that we all desire to be known and seen. No one wants to be judged and held to the fires of critical review. We don't want anyone to judge our shit.
I take it, because I believe love wins. I take it, because I don't want another home broken because of undealt with issues.
As a yogi, I have been taught how to breathe into the places of tension and allow the breath to, over time, revive some life and sensation into places that haven't had much before.
It's rugged where we are and that's okay. I'm okay with that. This isn't a success story, it's a real love story. It's a modern love story.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and that unsettles me, but I know that trauma is real, that anger and unforgiveness will ruin relationships. I know that forgiveness heals all things, not just time alone. I know that love wins in the end. I know that the moment you make a commitment to something, that commitment will be challenged. The moment you draw a line in the sand, the boundary will be tested. And the moment to make space for something, like grace, that space will be invaded in way you had no idea.
Like a deer with no eyes, I had no idear.
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| My dung dung |
Peace be with you, friends.
MB
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