April, 9, 2017

It's spring break, my family is gone and I am left behind.  They're in Florida at Disney World for their first time and I am in Raleigh...alone, like totally alone.  I wish I could there to experience what will be a life long memory for them (like all their first roller coasters). I'm glad that Liz keeps posting pictures, because I get to live vicariously through that and imagine their joy at the whole experience.

This is what separation feels like. They're having fun on spring break and I have to stay back and work at a job I do not want to be working. Welcome to my struggle of moving to a place without a job prospect and trying to start all over again. Such a romantic notion, but I didn't know it was going to be so tough, but it has been. I've made some great friends here (even more shallow social media relationships. People that just want to peep, but never ever wanting to engage in real life) and haven't regretted the move here. There's plenty of sweet, but there's also some sour too. I'm a very talented person, I know this. I work hard, I have plenty of work experience and I've been successful and whatever I have been a part of, but I can't get a good paying job. I had a start-up (which tragically ended at the sudden passing of my business partner), I worked at a non-profit (worst and most toxic work environment of my entire life, honest, and I lost a good friend over the whole ordeal too), I helped build up a new small business in Durham (but my business partner is a thug), my marriage feel apart and we separated (after 14 1/2 years of relationship) and now I'm working a service industry job (which is allowing 4 hours of sleep/night and is not at all what I thought it would be). It sucks. I'm just trying to keep my head above water. #survivalmode


BUT....


I'm here. I'm grateful. My heart feels full and I have some, some people that really encourage me. My health is good, I feel loose and I fit in all my clothes (which are all quickly becoming too large for me now). I haven't been at the weight that I am currently at since my sophomore year of high school. Soaking wet, I am 170 lbs. My mind is right, my body right, my heart feels right and my spirit feels right. 


I go home alone, I eat alone, I drink alone, I go to bed alone, I travel alone, and go out alone. I am here now, writing alone. So many people in my life come and go. People want something from me, they either get it or they don't, but they always leave. There's only one constant truth in my life: my coffee is always warm and the Lord is with me. Sorry for my little side-rant. It is what it is. 


All this said, I'm happy for my kids. I'm glad where they are. I am glad for who they are with. I know they're in good hands. I know my kids have been loved well, raised well and will continue that way for the rest of their lives. This is what gives me solace at the times I don't get to see them. I don't regret the way things have transpired, but it has been a challenging chapter indeed. 


I appreciate the people that actually engage with me. It means everything to me. People that I thought would reach out to me, haven't and others I never expected, have. I feel the love that is given. Thank you for reading this. 


Signing off, because I'm day drinking and I don't want to think hard anymore about sentence structure, grammar or editing. 


Peace be with you.



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