My Life 37

Today I am 37. Nothing special. Nothing big and certainly not a milestone, but for some reason I have been doing a lot of reflection about this birthday year.

I am 37.

I never thought at 37 that I would be separated and on the brink of divorce.
I never thought I would be broke and living pay check to pay check.
I never thought I would be in a job that is suffocating the living bahjesus out of me.
I never thought I'd be single and living in an apartment by myself.
I never thought I'd ever go through depression and feel such despair in my life.
I never thought I'd feel so discontent with the church.
There are a few more big items that seem a little fictitious to me that I thought would never be.

I never thought I'd be where I currently find myself 37.

I thought I'd have stuff figured out.
I thought I'd have "grown up" money.
I thought I'd be "established."
I thought I'd be in the best and highest earning potential in my career.
I thought I'd be happy and fulfilled.
I thought I'd still have a career.

I have none of those things.

I have nothing. I have absolutely nothing in this world...but my children. I have my children and they have my heart. That's it.

For some reason, my heart is grateful.
I am grateful that I am here.
I am grateful for the coffee I sip and moments I have had to connect with people.
I'm grateful that I at least have a job to sustain myself, even if it's barely.
I'm grateful for my Zumba community. God, they are such good and beautiful people that have blessed my spirit in so many ways (Thank you).
I am grateful for the ways each yoga instructor that has befriended me and has blessed and encouraged me.
I am so grateful for the old friends that I recently reconnected with.
I am grateful for my wife. I don't regret marrying here. She has a beautiful heart and has been such a great mother to our children.
I am grateful for my health.
I am grateful for my breath.
I am grateful for every hello and thought people send me.
I am grateful for my friends who send me love (Thank you. I love you too).

This year has been a year of intention for me.

"Cultivate and Connect" were the first two words that jumped right out at the beginning of the year when sat down to think about it. I thought long and hard about these two words and they have been my guide this year in 2017. My guides have pushed me to places I wouldn't have normally gone, but each path has been different, but they keep me moving forward. They keep pushing to new limits and keep breaking my boundaries.

I thought long and hard about writing this and it makes me really nervous to be this vulnerable. I don't know why, but I feel like it might alienate how people relate to me, like I'm a sick person who needs to be handled with care. I'm not putting this out there, because I need anything from anyone. I need to put this put this out for me. I need this. I need to be authentic and to share my life. I could write all this in my journal (which I do often) or I could put this on a digital journal, either way, it's for me. It's my outlet. I want to share my joys and I want to share my pains. I can't hold this stuff in, I have to let it out. This is one of the paths I would normally stay away from, but my guides "Cultivation and Connection" keep pushing me to keep on keepin' on. By letting it out, I have discovered that, I'm able to give more love away and, at the same time, avoid letting the "cancerous bullshit" that grows and festers when you hold it all in.

So here I am,
Today at 37.

Peace be with you my friends.

P.S. If you haven't done so, please connect with me on Instagram, that's my social media of choice these days. Find me @metromonk. Thanks.

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