Why am I Fighting for My Kids?


2018, So Different from 2017, Right??? Errr...Maybe not so much.

 Here are some quick bullet points to catch you up to speed on my life:

 (2017)
  • Former business partner stole money..lost everything.
  • My (ex) wife and I split up and I moved out. We're divorced now. 
  • Depression knocked and knocked and knocked, but I ignored it with my yoga mat in hand, carved out some sacred space and tapped into a whole power within me.
  • Had a good job at The Angus Barn, but it, being a service job,  kept me missing my kid's lives, because I had to work every holiday and weekend, so I left that job to spend time, the only thing I had to give, with my kids. It was very scary to do so, but I'll never ever regret it. One of the best "dumbest" things I've ever done. 
  • Went on to Yoga Teacher Training and I am now a certified teacher teaching yoga at Lifetime Fitness (freakin love it) and other studios in the area. 
  • Started working on a getting a non-profit org started...still in progress (had no idea how consuming yoga teacher training would be).
  • My dad, after 15 years of silence, stepped back into the picture (walked back out, but then walked back in again). 
Yada yada yada, sob sob sob. 

All in all, a year filled with lots of catastrophes, but also new wellsprings of life. Through it all, Liz and I kept working amicably (keeping the most important thing about us, the most important thing), co-parenting and communicating well. For what it was, it was going well, but then 2018 happened. 

(2018)
  • Liz met someone, fell in love and is now engaged to be married in June (I was told that. I, for obvious reasons, won't be going to the wedding so I'm not sure when, exactly). 
  • I had been going to the house every morning to get the kids ready for school, make breakfast, prepare lunches, do "the morning whatevs" and get them to where they needed to be. But right before school started in the new year, I got an email from Liz saying she didn't want me coming to the house anymore. Sparing a lot of details, that was a BIG deal, because that had been our morning routine for six years. It was a staple in my time with my kids and she wanted to disrupt it and do away with it. She wasn't even going to be around, so, I mean, why?
  • She told the kids, without forewarning to me, that she was moving them to Virginia at the end of the school year. I found out via text message checking in with JB, my son, asking, "How are you today?" He replied, "HORRIBLE." Taken aback, I asked, "Why? What's up?" "Mom just told us we're moving." Hearing this news, I was upset, confused, surprised, pissed...all of the things. I texted Liz, called....no answer. Radio silence. 
  • She no longer received my calls, no longer wants to text, only email communication. The once warm and receptive Liz has become very cold, very distant, very erratic. Not wanting me to come into the house, not wanting to talk about anything outside things such as "kids have their appt at 5pm." That's the extent of it. 
  • In 2017, I had nothing but respect and good things to say. In 2018, I don't even know who my kid's mother is anymore. 
Our kids are doing so well right now in their grades and in their environments. I've been a part of their everyday life...always. Taking care of them, coaching, watching, playing, feeding, traveling, washing, disciplining, hugging, loving, holding, encouraging, empowering, listening, praying, enabling, 100% parenting them. I am an ever-present help and fixture in my kid's lives. I am their Father and I love it...all of it. 

How is it sensible to get engaged to a man whose wife died within the same year, with four kids of his own (3 of them younger than my oldest, 11) and remove them from their own friends, father and supportive culture they have here? Sounds like a world of impending grief and enduced stress (x6). I don't hate on transition. A transition of almost any kind is hard, and, on top of that, I get that the heart wants what the heart wants, but this has a whole different feel and context to it.

Don't be mistaken, I have no problem with Liz meeting someone. I have absolutely no issue with her new fiancé. This is all about my kids. 100% all about my kids. What is in the best interest of my kids? This is 100% of me wanting to love, preserve and love my kids the best way I know how. 

So I asked Liz, what if the kids want don't to move and they want to stay here with me? You can move, but maybe the kids don't. She was, like, "Uh, no. I don't think they should be involved." So I was taken aback and replied, "Just to be clear, it's okay for the kids to live with you, but not with me?" She nodded in agreement. "Ok, just wanted to make sure I got you correctly," I answered back. 

She's preparing the house for sale, she's not communicating, trying, I feel, to slip away cold into the night (with our kids), and I'm just supposed to pat her on the back and wish her well on her new travels?

So here we go...

Thank you for reading this. I love each of you. This is a really hard post to share for me, because it is so raw and sensitive to me, but this is my practice of sharing and remaining open to where I am. I don't really know how to wrap this post up, without it getting slippery-slope-diarrhea-of-the-keyboard fast, so I'll leave you with some hashies #hashtagmylife

#Ithoughtitwasgoodbutitsnot #isthisreallife #myheartaches #cantmakethisshitup #WTF #Iaintmadbro #livingthedream #someoneelsesdream #doingwhatIcan #neverthoughtIdbehere #rootdownriseup #keepbreathing #wherearemyfriendsat #whereisanysupportat #livestreamingmylife #thistooshallpass #adventuresinliving #bubblesanyone

Peace be with you,
me

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