An Open Letter to my Father.

Let me begin by saying this letter isn't intended to hurt, to shame or to criticise. This letter isn't even about me venting buried pressure from years of frustration. Plainly said, this letter isn't rooted in any kind of grudge or bitterness. It is with an open, honest an vulnerable heart that I share the following.
I thought very hard about this format, and although I know it'll cause pain and I'll catch negative feedback, in my heart this is the best way forward.

Dad,

We started talking after 15 years of silence. It started back up, last year (2017), in the fall and it was a little awkward at first, but we had to start somewhere. I had to ask, at some point, "So, like, where have you been?" It's the type of question, I feel, that perhaps, one of my kids would ask me, if I was absent from there lives for so long. It's a very common sense question to ask. You never liked that question and have always felt very attacked by it. You got angry at me, hung up the phone repeated times and would follow that up with long facebook messages (the equivalent to having an argument via text message...not effective, by the way). Even though I emphasized over and over that, I wasn't attacking you, I was merely just asking. You defaulted repeatedly to feeling as though I held a grudge just because I wasn't receiving you back with warm fuzzies. And all I was doing was defining reality, and you would just get even more upset, hang up again and rant via messenger. It was a vicious cycle.  And, this was on the heels of your news of battling cancer, which, I thought, would be very sobering, but you hadn't changed at all in those 15 years of silence. You just made me feel like I was a piece of shit for not being like, "Yippie Skippie, my daddy's back!" The proof is in all the facebook messages...it's pure craziness and 100% quintessential Narcissism (notice the bold and capitalized "N," that means something in the grammar world). 

You have legitimately missed like every moment of my life and you haven't supported me with a phone call or a single $ (dollar). You never saw a single high school event, never saw me play football in college, never meet my ex-wife (we were married for 15 years), never met my kids. You never even asked about them until I brought them up to you. And, I don't care about me and our relationship. It's gone, you left. I'm a man now, been one now for awhile and you would be as any other person would be in my life, first a stranger, then possibly a buddy. Sure, we share DNA and have some years where we overlap, but that same description could fit almost anyone in the world.  I have peace in my heart (not bitterness). I just thought you'd want to meet and, at least, try for the sake of your grandkids.

I'm happy to welcome you back into my life after you chose to remain silent for so long. I have zero expectations of you, so there's no hurt to be had. It's all bonus.  It was at Victor's (your Dad's) funeral that we made peace. However, prior to Victor's funeral, you remained silent and chose not to communicate with me for about 3 or 4 years prior to that, for whatever reason. That's a lot of years, yo! More than half my life. Was the pride worth it (jab jab)? Sorry, couldn't help myself. Must be the wine talking. 

I just need you to realize that you left, not me. I would never ever treat my kids, no matter what they did, the way you have treated me. And, I certainly wouldn't get upset with them and send them ranting text messages if they didn't receive me back with open arms bowing low to kiss my pinky ring. 

I never had it in my heart to ever write such a thing and discuss this with the world until very recently when you wanted to send money to my kids. Let me be brief about this. I am always hopeful that'll deliver and change, but you have done nothing, but let me down my Whole life. So I was hopeful, but skeptical about you sending this $$$ (aka $100, $50 for each kid). At first you said, "I promise, it's going in the mail today." Then a week or two went by, no letter. Then I called you asking about it. The stories went like this:

  1. See, what had happened was, the market crashed and I had to move some money around...yada yada yada.
  2. See, what had happened was, I sent $$$ to your cousin's son back in October and someone stole the money out of her mailbox. So, now, I don't trust the USPS. 
  3. I want to send the money, but now I need your routing number so I can wire the $$$ to your account.
Ah jeez...

However...you did, in fact, send it. You actually followed through with something. The check came through.

Buuuut, you wanted to know when and if I received the money, and when I didn't respond quick enough, it went like this:


Notice the time stamps.





 

There's a lot going on here. I can't even begin, although I sort of want, respond to all the bull$hit in this. I have threads and threads of messages from him like this. This is just a quick snapshot of our conversations since he's "made his return." And, for the record, perhaps I was a bit vulgar, but, frankly, I had had it with the tone and the urgency with which he demanded, so, I used the word, "fuck" to get my point across. Perfect word choice, I thought. 

And, did anyone catch the last message??? A younger brother!?!? WTF!!!! Seriously? Honestly, from the moment I read that 'til now, that I'm rereading it, I haven't been able to stop laughing. That's the threat?!?! On the flipside, my reward, had I not used a cuss word, was to know about a bastard child from my POS dad. OMG, you can't make this shit up. It's funny to me, for realsies. 

I can go on and on about so many years, but I don't to (at least not here). I seriously, want to come back to how I really feel, peace. You may think that I might be lying and have some underlining residual bitter roots in my heart and that once was true, but it's not the case today. It hasn't been the case for many years, about 15 approximately. 

Dad, peace be with you. Apparently, you have an awesome life and have lots of money. Enjoy it, man. 

#andtheylivedhappilyeverafter #hesnotgoingtolikethis #ifyouhavesomemoneythenwhyhaventIseenanyofit #wherehaveyoubeen #enjoyyourotherson #iamsurehehasgreatthingstosayaboutyoutoo #yourlegacyisaweome #haventlostanysleep #justkeepingitreal #Italkalotofshitbutmyheartisfullofgrace #thereisalwaysgrace #theresavendiagramwhereourlivesintersect

-Your son.






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