My WHY

Classic Mirror Selfie

April 2019

I have so much going on. So much going on that I never really have time to catch up, catch my breath, get ahead, stop to think about what is best. Hate it or love it (more of the former than the latter), I’m just doing. 

I’m doing lots. I am a server and lead bartender at a nice high end, premier retirement community. I teach yoga everywhere, regularly at Lifetime Fitness in North Raleigh, but I counted, and in my first year of being a certified teacher, I have taught at 13 different venues. I’m trying events around essential oils, I have put on workshops. I have started a new, crazy effort with BeautyCounter (more on that to come). Some jobs longer than others, but I held it down, on the regular at a lot of places. At one point, while doing this, I held down two other jobs, with two different catering companies. I still never missed a beat to be there and spend time with my kids. It’s all for them. It’s all about them. Everything I do is for them. 

And, with all these jobs, I’m barely scrapping by. Some jobs just pay for groceries, some for gas, some for bills, some for Sunday Funday with my kids. Everything contributes to something. And, on top of it all, I have to focus on going downtown to the courthouse, to fight a highly paid lawyer and his legal team. Ugh. Then, all of sudden, I get a notice that the NC Dept. of Revenue is auditing me for a company that doesn’t even exist anymore. 

Random note, I was thinking over the past 2 years, did you know that I lost about $200,000??? That’s why I have been in the hole. This is all money that was taking from me…taken. Then, if you get behind…forget about it. Trying to stay on top, not happening, because then there’s late fees and fees on top of fees. It’s a vicious tailspin. 

My car broke down back in January. The cost to repair it, $1,500. Didn’t have it. It was right after Christmas too. But (y’all) my friends and my parents have helped. You help with donating old Christmas toys. You helped buy me Uber rides. You lent me your car. I had like 4 different cars in a 2 month span. I even had to take my kids to school in an Uber once. I had to walk to work on several occasions. You offered to pick me up or run me around to do my errands. You helped me get by so I can purchase new auto insurance, get my car registered with new plates, stay on top of my rent, buy groceries, put gas in my tank, get current on my heat bill, purchase a new and cheaper phone plan for me and my kids (so I can stay in touch with them while they are away). I am being beating all the time, but, so far, I am not beat. 

I’m trying, I’m trying hard, I am. I’m trying all kinds of things. I’m just doing, trying, trying to figure it out, I’m living my best life now. And you know what, I am, because it’s all for them, my kids, JB and Sophia, my lovies, my goons, my goonsquad. I don’t have any family here. I have no real ties. I came down here, left it all, to support my wife. We didn’t work out, so that’s gone. So why, I have asked myself, am I here? Why don’t I just leave? Because my kids are here. I want to support them and I want to be in their lives, more than anything. They are all I have and all I really and truly care about. I love them. Sure, I can love them from afar, you might say. “Take care of yourself, Mike,” you might be thinking. Yeah, doesn’t feel right to me. Not an option, at this point. I want them to have a grounded life in school, to grow up with friends, to have childhood memories and a life growing and grounded in a community. I want them to participate in all things, sports, theater, clubs, teams, activities etc, etc. I, their Father, want them to know a man who is there for them, through thick and thin. 

I do all of this for them. They are my why. 

“What do you want to do, Mike?” “What are you good at?” I get asked all the time. One, I’m good at everything, I am. I know it, I feel it, I think it. I can start things (I have). I can train people (I have). I have a good education. I’m a college grad (maybe not the sexiest major, youth ministry and biblical studies), but I have lots of seminary under my belt. I took credit and completed a certificate at Kellogg Business School of Management in Chicago (that’s not a shabby school). I have raised hundreds of thousands of dollars, I can run whole organizations, speaks to rooms full of how ever many can hold a space. I have lots of tools in my belt involving ministry, nonprofit and business, but I have had trouble finding a job, hospitality jobs though, night jobs, come a dime a dozen. So that’s what I have. Beggars can’t be choosers, so I do. I go, because I have to provide. 

I am trying to hold ground, so my kids have a ground. I am doing so my children feel loved, cared for, like they matter. So that they feel that their father would do anything for them. Whether or not I can, it will blaze a trail inside of them that will last years, even after I am gone. I’m living and doing for my legacy and theirs and so on and so forth. Feel me? 

My mother did it for me, that where I get it from, my resiliency. I don’t how she did it, but she did. As much as I do, I still don’t think I am even close to her effort, to her struggle. She paved a way for me, so I can have ground. I have friends, life long friends, a community I can always go back to, a place where I feel grounded, a place where I call “home,” a place I take my to to show them where I grew up, because of her effort. I stand on the shoulders of my mother and I want my kids to stand on my shoulders. I can never do what she did. She’s the strongest woman I have ever met. It’s her resiliency that is pressing forward and living years beyond her and holding a family together. I fight, because someone fought for me. 

I have learned so much from these past couple/few  years.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I know who I am, and I’m proud. I am man, a son and a father. I used to want to change the world, but now I just want to take care of 2 (maybe 3 ((wink wink)) other) people. I have been through some fires, but I am not burned. I have had wave after wave, but I have not been swept away. But, it’s not all me. It stand on the shoulders of so many others, thank you, and it has kept me to keep them (JB and Sophie) alive and well, thank you, from the depths and resonating vibrations of my heart.

But this is my why. “Why?” for them, “What?” for them. Whatever the question, it all comes back to them. 

Cheers to all the men and women doing it. I know I’m not special, nor am I alone. This voice is for you, my homies, my bruhs, the mas and the pas. 

Living my best life. 

Mike

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