Listening to my Discontent

Oct. 25, 2019 (9:42am)
Starbucks @Cameron Village (Raleigh, NC)

I'm sitting here, like I usually do, with my coffee, with my pen and with my journal open. I'm on the very last page too. I'm settling in, as I like to say, which to me, is the most important thing. And, the thing about it is, it kinda plays out a little differently each time. Instead of rushing to my table or spot and quickly writing out the things and thoughts that are at the forefront of my mind, I take a moment to pause, take a moment to just sit, look around me, take a deep breath, and I mean like a breathe that I am intentional taking the time to feel. I inhale deeply, feeling my chest inflate slowly like a balloon swelling, feeling the air intake up and through my nostrils, listening to the audible sound of the air intake, and then the audible sound of the release, sensing all the sensations I can on the exhale, feeling my shoulders drop and tension melting, rolling away and down my back, as if that tension took a cliff dive off my shoulders. I repeat and do it again. Inhale and exhale. I am here. I have arrived and I am still arriving.

I sip my coffee. It's warm, it's always warm. It tastes like earth, it's grounding. I am just sitting here, settling in, sipping, breathing, listening, hearing. feeling, being, seeing, sensing, thinking, observing, noting, taking it all in, taking myself in, I'm settling in.

Taking the time to be totally present, it's a nice escape. That was nice. So, time to go below the surface now. What is going on underneath my breath and the taste of my coffee? I'm listening.

I'm bothered. What is it? What is bothering me? I'm angry. Why am I angry? Am I really angry? No, I'm annoyed and frustrated. More the latter than the former. I'm upset. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to change. I want something different. I want to yell, but at no one really. But even if I do, it wouldn't change anything. I take a breath. I'm beginning again. I'm listening more. Time to take a sip of coffee. It's a physical, tangible pause button, allowing me to take a moment to assess, to shift my perspective, a small moment to create space for myself.

I'm not angry. I'm not an angry person, besides, I don't want anger to fester and bloom within me. So what is it? I am discontent. I have, but I want something else. I am grateful, but it's not enough. It's not where I want to be. I am hungry for something else, but I can't just change where I am as soon I want.

I'm in a place, a job, that I can't control. I can't support and chase the things that I want to. I am bound. I feel bound. I feel limited and shrunken. I have hurt in my heart, I have a deep, ever-springing pain from not being with my children, my kids, my son, and my daughter.

My car needs repair. I need to repair the holes in my clothes. I need new clothes. I have holidays coming up. I can't afford presents and time away from work. I like my job, but it doesn't pay enough and it's riddled with conflict, more than I have ever experienced. I keep applying, keep trying to figure it out. I keep trying to do something else that I know I can do, something that's not ministry, but nothing is taking. My resume' is filled is ministry things, but non-ministry employers look at me like I'm worthless. All that will take me is service- industry jobs, but, as many of us know, is a fine job, but, you know...isn't ideal. It's like I don't want to be involved in ministry, it's just that I want something that I can support myself and a family on again, that's my honorable desire, truly.

I sip my coffee, I take a deep inhale, a relaxing exhale. I need to recenter, create a moment of space.

I am discontent, but this space helps. I'm not allowing my discontent to get the better of me. I'm taking a moment, the last $2 I have in my wallet and spending it here, coffee. This is me-time. I've been doing this for years, many years, many places, many countries, many cities, many coffee shops, many hours, sitting, breathing, recentering, praying, feeling, crying, yelling, doodling, writing, stirring, praying, meditating, and whatever else, all the things.

I let my discontent come to the surface, feeling it, listening to it, figuring it out and then, sharing it.
I am back. I feel better. That's what was under the surface. A smile naturally returns to my face, I feel lighter. My brow becomes a little less unfurled, tension melts in my face, my forehead and my body.

I take another breath in, feeling it, letting it fill my body, every nook, and cranny, every part that it can.

Gratitude replaces discontent.

-MB.

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